Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
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me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.