Cat is stressing him out.
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Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
mentally somewhere in italy
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to