Cat is stressing him out.
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It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.