Cat is stressing him out.
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Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
My love language is hissing.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Wait a minute…
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is