Cat is stressing him out.
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If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up