Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
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Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!