CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
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I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
Love it! 👍😂
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car: