cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
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My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
this has to be peak English
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.