cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
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People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
dam girl
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
lmfao
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.