Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.

4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?

Me: You don’t either!

4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

Get off my horse you stupid moon

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!

Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit