Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

There’s always that one guy

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

Bobby pin

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet