Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

I’m confused about plants

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back