Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
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*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
The 6 types of sex
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.