@wilw

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

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@ADHDeanASL

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

@Carbosly

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

@JoroPotential

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

@junejuly12

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

@FuniBob

No I don’t want to see your newborn. Babies need at least 3 weeks to ripen

@Parkerlawyer

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

@MotorCityKitteh

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

@HatfieldAnne

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.