Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

[first day as flight attendant]

me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE

passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: Reciting pottery.

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.