Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
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brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.