Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That took me a moment.

Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.

Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

Feels

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”

Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”

#KrakenDay #RubbishDay

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us