Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

i love meeting boys on tinder

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

🥃

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?

Her: No, thanks.

Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?

Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.

Me:🤦🏻‍♂️

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet