Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”

– reverse psychology

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower

10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear

“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.