Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

Final Destination: Holiday Edition.

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!

Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?

AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”

M: 😏

AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.