Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

You wish you had this many chins.

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

this is the best interaction on twitter

I’m Sold!

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

Interior design 👌

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.