Her: I’m so glad to finally meet you. I usually don’t meet men from the internet because they could be a serial killer or something. Hahaha.
Me: Hahaha. Define “serial”.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
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If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Divorce is when you tell someone: Hey I know you better than anyone else on Earth and I’m gonna take a pass
As we develop robots, we should make them out of pretzels or cotton candy that way if they become self aware we could just eat them