@squirrel74wkgn

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

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@drinksmcgee

Her: I’m so glad to finally meet you. I usually don’t meet men from the internet because they could be a serial killer or something. Hahaha.

Me: Hahaha. Define “serial”.

@caliluvgirl77

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

@michel_lesann

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

@CruelMeiga

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

@theycallmeivy20

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

@BoogTweets

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

@TheCatWhisprer

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

@Brianhopecomedy

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

@briangaar

Divorce is when you tell someone: Hey I know you better than anyone else on Earth and I’m gonna take a pass

@Playing_Dad

As we develop robots, we should make them out of pretzels or cotton candy that way if they become self aware we could just eat them