[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
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Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Breaking news:
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you