Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…

(whispers) boop your nose?

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

there’s probably a fee though

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets