Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.