Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
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Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
buys donuts instead
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.