Cat or sheep
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My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
some cats are just doing for fun!
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.