Cat or sheep
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A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
If you are reading this then you are reading this
She was rare, like a goth jogging
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?