Cat or sheep
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My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
how it started vs how it ended
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.