Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ㅤ

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.