Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

A decision was made here.

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

My recliner and I go way back

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…

Maybe there is a secret third thing

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart