Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Kanye West Presents:

KANYE ON BROADWAY

Featuring:

“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

Husband; Who was at the door?

Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.

Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?

Me:

Husband:

Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

If you love someone, let them tweet.

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.