Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

“This Tweet has been deleted.”

A thread 🧵

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.

Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.