Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
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*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
#parenting
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
YouTube will put 50 mins of ads on a 10 min video to get me to pay but I shan’t be defeated
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
What legos do when we’re not looking.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.