Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
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the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…