Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
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VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Speak now or ever hold your peace
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.