Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

The big book of baby names but for safe words

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

Is fake venison called venisn’t

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

Stooooppp!!! 😂😂