cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
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In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana