There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
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[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
no refunds
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Meow
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
[loses house key, starts a new life]
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”