Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8