Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

Still laughing at this stupid meme

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.