Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.

When life hands you women, make women laid.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

me: i need to make a follow up appointment

receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday

me: no i only need one

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

getting groceries

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???