cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
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I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.