cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
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They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Comparing yourself to others
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.