cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
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If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.