cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
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*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I’m crying im so happy for them
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*