Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

Sign of the day..

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.

My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?