Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

incredible book dedication

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

accurate

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!