Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.