Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean

If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00