Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”