Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

Co-worker: Why are you crying are you sad??
Me: I’m crying cause I want to punch you in the face but can’t

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.