Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my axe

WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days

“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent: