Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

My favorite farside!!

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

God, I love Scotland

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t