Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.