@BeeeejEsq

Cat: *purr*

Me: Good morning!

Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*

Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!

Cat: *kneads me* *purr*

Me: Yes, I love you too!

Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*

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@FrogAvalanche

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

@KeetPotato

[lookin in bushes for our baby]
me: where the hell can he be?
dog: roof roof roof
me: will you shut up
[baby waves at the dog from the roof]

@kimlockhartga

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

@stephenjmolloy

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

@StephenAtHome

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

@BuckyIsotope

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

@AmericanGent69

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

@RoosterMustache

God: make alcohol really fun

Angel: haha ok

God: but it makes them stupid

Angel: i dont know if-

God: and if they have too much they die