@BeeeejEsq

Cat: *purr*

Me: Good morning!

Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*

Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!

Cat: *kneads me* *purr*

Me: Yes, I love you too!

Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*

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@CruisinSoozan

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

@ddsmidt

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

@SkinnerSteven

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

@MissSassy_Pants

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

@MichaelTrying

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

@TheAlexNevil

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

@3sunzzz

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

@KentWGraham

After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?