Cat: *purr*

Me: Good morning!

Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*

Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!

Cat: *kneads me* *purr*

Me: Yes, I love you too!

Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*

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Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.


Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*


You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you


My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.


“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”



4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.


How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.


After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.


ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?