Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

eggs benadryl

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

Is this the real life?
Is this just

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home