Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

*limbos under the caution tape

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.