Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

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plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating