cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
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doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.