@andlikelaura

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

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@AksharPathak

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

@MNateShyamalan

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

@Book_Krazy

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

@WritePlay

“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.

@brennadine

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

@Darlainky

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

@UncleDuke1969

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

@KSekouM

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

@ohthatbadger

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.