Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)

Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja