Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
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Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Generation gap…
barbara was highly relatable
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!