Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
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My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.