Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
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Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
Coffee for people with no kids
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.