Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?

Good times.

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

[going out]

other moms: have fun, be safe!

my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood