Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

me at the job i begged god for

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”