@16bitbulbasaur

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

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@NoraGalora

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

@JJSummertime

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

@shujaxhaider

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

@KimDotcom

“The problem with quotes on the Internet is that they’re not always accurate.”

– Albert Einstein

@julcasagrande

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

@vineyille

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

@AristotlesNZ

Love how dog food commercials advertise tastier formulas like that matters when deciding what to buy & feed a pet who eats its own vomit.

@fro_vo

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then

@SvnSxty

Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is

@FrazzleMyGimp

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!