cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
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Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.