Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof

“I’m helping” 😅

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

I miss this era type of pranks😭

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

me: what’s your biggest turnoff

her: noisy people

me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.