cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
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You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
How did we not see this back then?
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.