Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

What light through yonder window breaks…

Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately

chief: anything we can do?

detective: sure, lock homes

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.