Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

Interviewer: what did you learn from your previous job?

Me: that I need a new job

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes

Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.

Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-

Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)