Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

mom had nothing to worry about

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.