Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Give a baker flours on your first date.

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be

Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.