If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
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Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?